Rounding out a series I started a few weeks ago, I take one more quick spin across the multiverse to point out some places where entertainment has taken a sharp left turn in comparison to our Earth.
There are numerous Earths
where the Portland Trailblazers and the Minnesota Timberwolves are both NBA
Championship dynasties. The Trailblazers had the second pick in the 1984
NBA Draft and passed on Michael Jordan to draft center Sam Bowie. They were
still very successful in the 80s and early 90s—making it to the NBA Finals on a
couple of occasions—but they’ve not won a championship since the 1970s. So I’m
thinking that drafting Jordan would have more than sufficed to transform the
franchise. As for the Timberwolves, they passed on Steph Curry not once but
twice in the first round of the 2009 NBA draft for two other players at his
same position (point guard)—Ricky Rubio and Jonny Flynn. So it’s not hard to imagine
that some small changes in draft priorities could have dramatically impacted
their success over the last decade.
Somewhere, there has
to be a League of Extraordinary Mascots. Don’t let the pig tails fool you.
If you’re familiar with the Wendy’s brand’s social media presence, you know
that she’s a baller. I’d picture her expanding beyond eviscerating internet
trolls and posers to righting wrongs in the real world supported by an A-Team
including the wheelman from the Sonic commercials and the “Can you hear me now?”
guy on comm. Maybe they’d be based out of Farmer’s University. (So wait—is J.
K. Simmons playing a character in those commercials? Or is he playing himself
as the dean of the university? Doesn’t matter, I suppose. You know the tennis
courts retract to reveal a high-tech launch pad either way. That’s just how he
rolls.) And while everyone else would be live action, Wendy would HAVE to be
animated Son-of-Zorn-style. I wouldn’t suggest going all Red Sonja though—that would
be a bit much. But who’s to say what “Wendy” this is? Maybe Wendy Darling? But
one who actually joined and led the Lost Boys? Food for thought. (Pun
intended.)
Sterling Archer,
Agent of SHIELD? Fox owns FX. Disney owns Fox. As terrifying a prospect as
this is, it’s got to be a reality somewhere. And maybe Nick Fury is his
step-dad. Let that soak in. Talk about your Danger Zone.
A massive TV
crossover event connects various CBS mystery series to the novels of Stephen
King. Consider the facts:
- Cabot Cove, Maine just has way too high a murder rate. It’s a little town. For there to be this much loss of life is unconscionable under any normal circumstances. But while pretty much the only common denominator is “Murder She Wrote” protagonist author Jessica Fletcher, we know she can’t be committing the crimes—as we see the murders in flashback and the murderers typically confess to the crimes after being caught. Unless… what if she’s really pulling everyone’s strings and they’re not even aware of it?
- This brings to mind some other Maine towns like Derry, Salem’s Lot, Castle Rock and Little Tall Island where sinister characters including Mr. Linoge, Leland Gaunt, and others manipulate both people and circumstances to cut a bloody swath across those respective communities. Could it be that Cabot Cove is in THAT Maine? I ask you, how could it NOT be?
- So I figure there must be numerous stops along the crossroads of infinity where CBS took the plunge and outed the venerable Ms. Fletcher as a malevolent entity—perhaps along the lines of Sutter Cane from John Carpenter’s In the Mouth of Madness. (If you don’t think Angela Lansbury, Mrs. Potts from Beauty and the Beast, would be a good fit for a horror role, go back and watch her as Mrs. Lovett from Sweeney Todd and you’ll change your mind.) All that’s debatable is whether they’d have made the connection to King’s fictional Maine explicit—perhaps working with Castle Rock Entertainment’s TV arm—or if it would just be implied.
- And there would obviously be a cascade effect—since all of those old CBS mysteries like “Matlock” and “Diagnosis Murder” used to cross over from time to time. Maybe a little Lovecraftian shenanigans occurring in the backwoods of Matlock’s Georgia? Seem far-fetched? Not if you consider that the networks were experimenting with similar themes in shows like the Gary Cole vehicle “American Gothic” and a rebooted “Dark Shadows” around the same time. (It was the millennium. Motives were incidental. Snark.)
Well, I could ramble around the multiverse some more—and may do so again—but this Tardis is rented and I need to take you home. Or was it a DeLorean? Eh, doesn’t matter. It's past your curfew either way.
Next time: Something completely different—and likely to drop much quicker than my last post, as I aim to catch up with my one-post-per-week pace. (Blame it on holiday weekend merriment.)
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